How to Protect Your Child From a Narcissistic Father or Mother

How do you protect your child from a narcissistic parent? It starts with understanding what drives such personality types to do what they do. We have written in the past about the subject of divorcing a narcissist, including a separate article on how a narcissist handles divorce and reacts to it.

We also wrote an informative article on divorcing a sociopath.

This article is not about your divorce or the divorce process. It's about your child.

What we write here is not legal advice. These are tips and a starting point for parents who have the challenge of protecting their children against a father or mother who is physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise disregards the children's best interests.

This is written for California moms and dads. As you read this guide, you will see parts of testimonials from former clients. Testimonials do not represent nor guarantee you will get the same or similar result. Case results depend on their specific facts and other factors.

We hope you enjoy this article.

How to Protect Your Child from the Physically Abusive, Narcissistic Father or Mother

Physical Abuse is Often About Power

There are generally three different types of abusers.

1. Those whose anger and violence are on display for everyone to see.
2. Those whose anger and violence have triggers like alcohol or drugs.
3. Those whose anger is isolated and "out of character" in other's eyes, leaving the rage toward those closest to him or her, the spouse or other parent.

Narcissists are all about self-preservation, and part of that "preservation" is their reputation. Narcissists care about how others perceive them. The true "deception" is who and what they are when nobody is looking…well, nobody other than those who have to deal with them daily.

For Narcissists, it is All About Control

Physical abuse is often about inflicting control. Abuse intimidates. Domestic violence perpetrators want their victims to be scared and feel helpless. A victim who is both rarely acts.

These emotions paralyze. Children who suffer abuse are in a constant state of terror.

They come home to their abusers and don't have the emotional maturity to cope or self-heal, to make logical decisions, or to find means on their own to escape the abuse.

Don't Treat Narcissists Any Different Than Any Other Abuser

Domestic violence is without justification. No excuses. Child abuse is no different. The narcissistic personality type is irrelevant, and the victim's greater difficulty is to get past that and focus on protection.

• Contacting the authorities (police, child protective services)
• Domestic violence restraining orders
• Domestic violence shelters
• Refuge, even if temporary, with friends or family

Here is a link to the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence that will guide you and a link to our amazing guide on domestic violence for victims and survivors.

Is the timing of it important? Is there some planning? That, of course, depends on the situation. Ultimately though, victims owe it to themselves and to their children to get the help necessary and get away from the abuse.

Staying in an abusive relationship is no way to live and is no way for a child to learn as the "normal" state of upbringing.

How to Protect Your Child From the Emotionally Abusive, Narcissistic Father or Mother

Emotional Abuse Leaves Scars You Don't See

It doesn't leave a visible bruise. There is no physical scar.

But the pain and long-term effects of emotional abuse on children are real, and it is most felt as the child grows older and is at risk of repeating the same abuse that was learned (common in boys as they become men) or becoming a victim of further abuse (common in girls who become women).

Some think this happens only in physical abuse situations, but emotional abuse can have a serious impact on a child's future and adulthood.

Can Court Orders Cause a Positive Difference?

Yes. Read that again. Yes, a California family court can make orders that prohibit emotional abuse. They include:

• Non-disparagement clauses
• Specific orders that forbid angry outbursts (words or conduct) toward the children
• Specific orders that regulate discipline, including corporal punishment
• In some cases, supervised or professionally monitored visits

Violations of Court Orders and Contempt

We have previously written about contempt in California divorce cases. If you have not yet read it, it's a great read and an important one.

Role of an Evidence Code 730 Psychological Evaluation

California law gives the court discretion to appoint a forensic psychologist (often called a "730 evaluator") when necessary to look into allegations of emotional abuse.

We discuss psychological evaluations in an article titled "What is a 730 evaluation" and our California child custody law page.

Role of Minor's Counsel

Just as the court has the discretion to order a psychological evaluation, the court may also order a lawyer for the children.

The typical role of the minor's counsel is to talk with the children, although this can take different forms.

Role of a Therapist

The Court can also order counseling for the children. The purpose of counseling is the road to recovery, coping, and healing.

How to Protect Your Child from the Narcissistic Father or Mother Who Alienates

Understanding Parental Alienation

What is parental alienation, and what can you do about it? Emotional abuse is an integral part of parental alienation because parental alienation is ultimately a severe and direct form of abuse.

Parental Gatekeeping

Parental gatekeeping is an often misunderstood subject because it comes in different forms, and not all of them are bad. In the article "Parental Gatekeeping in Child Custody Disputes," we discuss parental gatekeeping that closely parallels the emotional abuse of children.

Trying to Co-Parent With the Narcissistic Father or Mother

Challenges in Co-Parenting With a Narcissistic Parent

Let's just say it - co-parenting with a narcissist is darn difficult. Since communication is the key to co-parenting and a focus off the "self" and on the child's best interest is the ignition that turns its engine, a father or mother who has a serious narcissistic personality disorder won't have an interest in either.

Parallel Parenting Option

Yes, co-parenting is preferred. No, co-parenting is not the only option. Parallel parenting can also be very effective when someone is "co-parenting challenged." What is parallel parenting? Read our featured article on parallel parenting plans in high-conflict custody cases.

Common Mistakes When Dealing With a Narcissistic Parent

Overreacting With Emotion and Anger

Do you know the best way to give a narcissistic parent what he or she wants?

React emotionally and illogically. Facts are stubborn things, former president John Adams said. Facts are your ally.

Skip the emotions, anger, and frustration; none helps your children.

It just distracts you from what is in your children's best interest.

I know, it's easier said than done, right? Therapy helps. A good lawyer helps.

Common sense and support from family and friends focused on these same goals help.

But ultimately, you control your words and actions.

Bringing Your Own Conduct to the Narcissist's Level

I cringe when I hear good parents talk about doing the wrong thing.

They incorrectly think the thing to do is disparage the narcissist to the children, withhold court-ordered visitation, or otherwise take their own conduct down to that of the narcissistic parent.

What causes this?

• A lack of clear direction
• Poor advice
• Emotions taking control

It's foolish, and worse yet, all it does is dilute the other parent's misconduct.

Do you think the Family Law Judge will have much empathy for your situation or believe you to be the better parent for custody purposes if he or she sees you in the same light as the other?

Allowing Physical or Emotional Abuse to Fester

The last time a parent who seriously physically or emotionally abused his or her children got up one day and decided it's time to stop was…any guesses?

Problems don't often fix themselves. When children are abused, standing on the sideline and not protecting them makes that parent (often in the law's eyes) neglectful of the children's safety.

Some cases have come down where child protective services have taken children away from the non-abusive parent because the non-abusive parent allowed the abuse to occur and did not protect the children, by lawful means, from ongoing abuse.

Not Documenting Misconduct

Abuse can be documented, which is especially important when that documentation is needed in court.

There are different ways to document it, most commonly by email and sometimes by text. There is a right way and wrong way of doing this, and good legal advice is important to show how.

Not Enforcing Court Orders

Court orders are not suggestions. They are directives.

Failure to follow them can result in fines, community service, and even jail time. Failure to follow them is sometimes grounds for a modification of custody and visitation. If you allow court-ordered violations to fester and do nothing, you may not have anyone but yourself to blame if they continue.

Don't do that. Be vigilant.

I am not talking about going to court if the other parent is 5 minutes late for a pick-up. Common sense is important here, and more important is the advice of a family law attorney about your specific situation.

Ready to Talk?

When you are ready to talk, we are ready to listen.

We are experienced California family law attorneys.

We believe good men and women deserve great family law representation. Contact us for an affordable strategy session.

Additional Reading

Here are two pieces of additional reading we believe you will enjoy related to this topic.

• The first is our tips guide for moms. We call it over 50 custody battle tips for mothers.
• Dads, we wrote how to get custody as a father. The title is self-explanatory and will navigate dads through this sometimes confusing area of custody.