How Does a Narcissist Handle and React to a Divorce?

Initial Shock and Denial

When the narcissist first learns about a divorce, their typical reaction is shock or denial and sometimes both. They may refuse to believe that their partner is serious about ending the relationship because they perceive themselves as the dominant or controlling partner. And since they believe in control, the concept of their spouse leaving them hits them as a loss of that control they covet. During this phase, they may manipulate their spouse, using tactics such as guilt-tripping, love-bombing, and false promises to change.

Anger and Retaliation

As the reality of the divorce sets in, the narcissist's reaction shifts to anger and retaliation. Their need for control and dominance means they will perceive the divorce as threatening their ego and authority. This anger shows itself through verbal abuse, financial manipulation, or even attempts to turn the children against the other parent.

Tip: if you are concerned about your or your children's physical safety, take immediate action. Consider seeking a restraining order or moving to a safe location before filing for divorce.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Narcissists manipulate situations to their advantage. During a divorce, they engage in gaslighting, where they twist the truth and create a narrative that portrays them as the victim and you as the aggressor. This may even paint you as unstable or unfit. They will not have actual facts or evidence to back this up, but that does not stop them from making false allegations.

Victim Mentality and Smear Campaigns

As the divorce progresses, a narcissist may adopt a victim mentality, seeking sympathy from others while simultaneously launching a smear campaign against you. They may spread false rumors or accuse you of being the cause of the marriage's breakdown. This behavior is an attempt to regain control and maintain their image.

Tip: Document instances of false accusations or harassment. These records can be valuable in court, especially if the narcissist tries to manipulate the legal process.

Financial and Legal Abuse

Financial control is a common tactic used by narcissists, and divorce can intensify this behavior. They may hide assets, lie about their income, refuse to pay child support, or drag out the legal process to increase your financial burden. They do this to maintain power and make the divorce as difficult as possible for you.

Tip: Work with an experienced divorce attorney who understands the tactics narcissists use. It is too difficult to navigate this yourself, and inexperienced representation is not much better. And if the narcissist in your life violates a court order, we can show you how a family law contempt action can help.

Post-Divorce Challenges

Even after the divorce is done, a narcissist may continue to cause problems. They might refuse to comply with court orders, make false allegations of child abuse in custody disputes, or attempt to alienate the children from you.

Remain vigilant and proactive in enforcing your rights and protecting your children. Utilize family law communication tools (which we can tell you about) to minimize direct contact with the narcissist and keep exchanges documented. This can reduce opportunities for manipulation and conflict.

Emotional Abuse and Continued Control

Narcissists thrive on control, and if they feel they've lost control over you, they may turn to emotional abuse.

Their goal is to keep you in emotional turmoil, making it harder for you to move on. Establish firm boundaries and stick to them. Limiting contact and avoiding emotional conflicts help you regain control over your life and keep that control.