What is a Trial Separation in California? 

A trial separation is a physical separation between spouses but without the intention to file for divorce immediately.

Most spouses who agree to a trial separation intend to give each other a break from the issues that placed significant stress on their marriage.

But is trial separation a good idea? And when is the best time for trial separation? Is there a checklist for trial separation? How do you do it right?

We will answer these questions and more in this family law guide.

Trial Separation Intends to Accomplish 4 Goals

Use these goals as a trial separation checklist to ensure you are doing it for the right reasons.

• Create much-needed space between spouses so they do not continue to aggravate each other on a day-to-day basis.

• Allow a reasonable passage of time so the spouses can heal from emotional wounds caused by the significant stress on their marriage.

• Provide a preview of how children will handle a separation in the event the spouses undergo a divorce.

• Provide a preview for the spouses to determine if they are happier separated from each other.

It is not a reach to state a trial separation is the other side of the same coin to residing together before marriage. Each is a preview of what may occur.

If you use the above as a checklist for your trial separation and build the plan around it, you may discover whether you are doing it for the right reasons.

Is trial separation between spouses a smart choice?

There is no right answer for every spouse. Just as spouses are unique individuals, the path spouses may take when there is significant stress on the marriage depends in large part on:

• Each spouse's tolerance to that stress,
• Each spouse's ability to cope, and
• The prospect of distress being a short-term or long-term issue.

As experienced divorce attorneys, we handle cases where spouses come to us after a trial separation just as we do so when spouses (or one of them) was completely disinterested in the trial separation. We are not therapists and therefore can only give the perspective of the divorce lawyer. Here is what we found.

Good reasons for trial separation

The following are what we believe to be good reasons for a trial separation.

1. Marital challenges that are situational or do not necessarily mean the marriage should end

While these can vary significantly between spouses, the most successful trial separations that help restore the marriage are those that did not involve significant marital problems that spanned many years. Instead, the marital problems were recent and isolated from the rest of the relationship.

2. The love in the relationship remains intact

This should be common sense but some spouses forget the whole reason they married is they wanted to spend the rest of their life with each other.

While easy to forget in the day-to-day life, if spouses still very much love each other but are overwhelmed by marital problems, a trial separation may make sense to remind them why they got married in the first place.

3. The spouses trust each other when it comes to the children and financial issues

Trial separation is serious. Spouses should not take a physical separation from each other lightly. It is an opportunity, if exploited, to negatively influence and affect the children and engage in misconduct related to finances.

A trial separation therefore requires spouses to trust each other as it relates to children so that each spouse will have frequent and regular time with the children.

Trial separation also requires spouses to be clear on financial issues including payment of expenses, maintaining the status quo on issues such as informal financial support for the lower earning spouse, all of which varies significantly depending on the situation.

Situations not well suited for a trial separation

Do not confuse what we write below with the premise that spouses should continue to live with each other if any of the following exist.

Our experience is the following situations cause such a breakdown in the marital relationship that trial separation usually does not work.

These are of course extreme situations. What spouses may consider "extreme" varies from one couple to another.

1. A history of pervasive, domestic violence

While spouses who are victims of ongoing domestic violence during the marriage often stick in those relationships and continue to experience physical abuse, they often do so because they believe themselves without any reasonable option.

Most domestic violence victims are under the physical, financial and/or emotional control of the abusive spouse.

There are exceptions and we have seen horrible violence at the hands of a homemaker against the breadwinner in the family.

We believe pervasive domestic violence has no place in a marriage and we rarely, if ever, see domestic violence perpetrators change their ways.

That is also why divorcing an abusive spouse comes with significant challenges. For those reasons, our experience is trial separation usually does not change the abuser's behavior.

2. Significant emotional abuse by one spouse against the other

While emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, we did not put it under the domestic violence category so we can bring a greater attention to it.

Significant, ongoing emotional abuse is similar to domestic violence in that the perpetrator rarely changes his or her behavior just because there is a trial separation.

Similar to domestic violence, there are of course exceptions and we speak of only our experience in such situations. For these reasons, trial separation usually does not work well when one spouse is highly, emotionally abusive to the other on a frequent and continuing basis.

3. Serial infidelity

I have known husbands and wives who have engaged in infidelity but who were otherwise good people who love their spouse and their children and took great care of them.

There are many reasons for infidelity between spouses. Whatever the reason, the type we see rarely, if ever, change by a trial separation is the ongoing infidelity case.

While infidelity is common, pervasive infidelity throughout a marriage is not. Unless the spouses have an "open" marriage, it is also inexcusable as it shows a deep lack of respect for the other spouse and the marital bond.

Situations that involve pervasive and ongoing infidelity are also often those situations that involve ongoing emotional abuse. That is because pervasive infidelity is a form of emotional abuse in addition to an expression of complete disrespect for the other spouse and the family unit.

Learn more about how adultery affects divorce. Infidelity can even trigger breach of fiduciary duty claims during a divorce.

4. Pervasive and ongoing substance abuse

Similar to infidelity, substance abuse may be situational and limited in severity and duration. It is sometimes unfair to cast judgment on someone who develops an addiction to alcohol and drugs especially when there is no long-term history.

The legal profession unfortunately has many examples of those who are good lawyers and good people but who escape the stress of day-to-day practice and life with a bottle, a pill or worse.

Those situations where the substance abuse existed for many years and has deteriorated the foundation of the marital relationship usually does not lead to good results after a trial separation.

While there are exceptions and there are long-term addicts who seek and successfully achieve sobriety, the damage they cause to their spouse and children during the process can sometimes be too much to overcome.

That is not to say a spouse should give up on the marriage simply because there is substance abuse issue. The facts of each situation control the proper response.

Learn more about divorcing an alcoholic and divorcing an addict.