Divorcing a Narcissist Husband Takes Smart and Strategic Planning

You are divorcing a narcissistic husband. You may be scared. You may be at your wit's end. Your narcissistic husband is unpredictable and reckless. You need help.

It is not easy but look at it this way: You only have to deal with one of these monsters, while our California divorce attorneys have dealt with plenty over the many years we have practiced family law.

• Divorcing a narcissistic husband does not mean you have to suffer through a miserable divorce.
• Divorcing a narcissistic husband does not mean you have to accept a result that is inconsistent with the law.

There are proper ways to deal with such husbands who are:

• Deceptive,
• Have serious anger management issues,
• Take out those issues on you and the children, or
• Intend to drive up your legal fees.

This is part one of a two-part article. In it, we will discuss how to deal with divorcing a narcissistic husband. For this article, we assume the wife is a lower-income earner or homemaker.

We understand that income and similar issues are not gender-based. Everything we write here for wives and mothers applies to husbands and fathers who are stay-at-home dads or lower-income earners.

Here are the topics we will cover.

• Divorcing a Narcissist Husband Who Bullies and Intimidates You
• Tactics Designed to Intimidate
• A Simple and Systematic Approach
• Serious Consequences for Not Paying Support
• Seeking Attorney's Fees
• Divorcing a Narcissist Does Not Have to Be a Nightmare
• Related Articles

Divorcing a Narcissist Husband Who Bullies and Intimidates You

When you are divorcing a narcissistic husband who is the higher income earner, you are likely up against bullying and intimidation.

This can be especially true if you have been a long-time homemaker, stay-at-home mom, or earn very little income. These tactics generally involve financial abuse and include the following:

Failure to Provide Complete Responses to Discovery

Discovery is the formal request for information and documents regarding the marital estate. Narcissists often use this tactic to force you, as the lesser income earner, to file a request with the court to compel the information you need, thereby incurring attorney fees that should be avoided.

Failure to Pay Support or Delaying Payment

Failing to pay support or delaying it is a way to exert control. It comes in many forms, including unlawful deductions from support that were not court-ordered.

Hiding or Lying About Income and Assets

Narcissistic husbands sometimes feel that the money they have earned during the marriage is theirs and that everything that has come from it should be their separate property.

That is not the law.

California community property law defines what is and is not community property and separate property. But try to explain that to a narcissist husband like this—it may be futile.

Tactics Designed to Intimidate

These are all intimidation tactics. Each one is designed to cause the maximum amount of stress and attorney's fees so that the wife eventually gives in and accepts less than what she may be entitled to from the community estate.

There is a right and very wrong way to respond to such bullying tactics.

Responding "In Kind" Is the Wrong Approach

The wrong way, and unfortunately the typical way many wives respond, is "in kind," especially in high-asset divorce cases. These wives meet unreasonable and aggressive behavior with their own unreasonable and aggressive behavior.

This "fight fire with fire" approach when divorcing a narcissistic husband may be one of the worst things you can do in a divorce case. It lowers you to the same standard as your narcissistic husband and often prolongs the litigation unnecessarily.

Credibility Is Too Important to Lose

When the family court judge needs to make orders, your credibility matters. If both you and your narcissistic husband are unreasonable, the judge may frown on both of your conduct, and you both lose credibility in court.

Being unreasonable, using counter-intimidation tactics, using children as leverage in a divorce, or having unrealistic expectations does not get results. It just causes more unnecessary stress and aggravation.

A Simple and Systematic Approach

Instead, combat the narcissistic husband with a simple and systematic approach—use his conduct against him.

Compelling Financial Cooperation

When a narcissistic husband fails or refuses to cooperate in providing financial information, California law allows you to compel him to provide the information.

These motions to compel, as they are sometimes called, alert the court to your narcissist husband's lack of cooperation. These motions ask the court to make orders consistent with California's liberal discovery laws.

California law also gives the court the discretion to sanction the narcissist husband for the attorney's fees and costs he caused. This can be a powerful deterrent because you will have turned your narcissist husband's uncooperative conduct against him by having him pay for his misconduct.

Serious Consequences for Not Paying Support

If your narcissist husband fails to pay support that is lawfully due, you have many options available to you.

While family law contempt proceedings (which can be criminal in nature and could cause the non-paying spouse to be sentenced to jail) are one option, others include garnishment of wages, levying of bank accounts, and even asking the court for security instruments to ensure the payment of ongoing support.

Seeking Attorney's Fees

You also have the option of filing an attorney fee motion based on your need and your narcissist husband's ability to pay.

You may also proceed against him per Family Code 271, designed to sanction unreasonable behavior.

Divorcing a Narcissist Does Not Have to Be a Nightmare

You can take steps to keep your case on track and get a fair result. Contact us to discuss your case. We are here to help and offer an affordable initial strategy session.

Related Articles

Here are some additional articles and guides we think you will enjoy.

• 50 Custody Battle Tips for Mothers: These tips come from our extensive family law experience.
• How to Divorce a Narcissist: We walk you through the divorce process with narcissistic personalities.
• How Does a Narcissist React or Handle Divorce: A narcissistic spouse's reaction to divorce and how they handle is important for your strategy.
• Co-parenting with a Narcissist: Co-parenting with a narcissist comes with special challenges. We discuss them in this article. We also explain how to protect your children.