Tips for Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality
Divorcing a high-conflict personality in California does not have to be the nightmare many spouses fear it may become.
High-conflict personalities are common in divorce cases. Although there are specific ways to deal with them, there are differences in strategy and communication with such personalities and their attorneys.
Read carefully, and we promise you will be far more knowledgeable about this topic by the end of this article. Here is a list of the topics we will cover. Click on any topic to jump ahead.
- Understanding the High Conflict Personality vs. a Narcissist
- Comparing High-Conflict Personalities to Sociopaths
- High Conflict Personality vs. Borderline or Bipolar Personality
- Restrictive Gatekeepers: A Unique High Conflict Personality
- Substance Abuse: A Driver of High Conflict Personalities
- Top 3 Tips for Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality
- Are You Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality?
Understanding High Conflict Personality vs. a Narcissist
In our experience, there are subtle differences between a typical high-conflict personality and a person who may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder.
We've written articles on divorcing a narcissist husband and divorcing a narcissist wife, which are helpful resources you should read. We also offer a detailed guide on how to negotiate with a narcissist.
A narcissist has a very high opinion of themselves and often refuses to see any perspective other than their own unless it aligns with what they believe. Interestingly, we have even seen narcissists adopt a perspective and stubbornly stick with it, even when it contradicts their previous stance.
Are All Narcissists High Conflict Personalities?
Narcissists can indeed be high-conflict personalities, but they are not always so. Some narcissists might exhibit passive-aggressive behavior or may not appear aggressive at all.
In divorce cases, some narcissists may seem calm and stable to outsiders. However, those who know them well may describe them as stubborn, inflexible, and nearly impossible to collaborate with on any topic.
Comparing High-Conflict Personalities to Sociopaths
We have also covered divorcing a sociopath, a resource that will educate you on this challenging personality type.
A sociopath, a person with an antisocial personality disorder, has little to no regard for the rights of others, often without remorse. Like a narcissist, a sociopath may appear stable and reasonable and can even convincingly play the victim.
However, unlike a high-conflict personality, a sociopath might not create conflict directly. Instead, they refuse to do the right thing, even when the law requires it.
Sociopaths and the Law: A Dangerous Combination
Sociopaths often disregard legal obligations, especially in matters like support orders. They may openly state that they do not care what a support order dictates, acknowledging their obligations but refusing to comply for reasons that only make sense to them.
Interestingly, they might not exhibit this behavior in a high-conflict manner but rather passively, ignoring the order as if it were merely a suggestion.
High Conflict Personality vs. Borderline or Bipolar Personality
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and bipolar personality disorder are real psychological conditions that can have debilitating consequences for those affected.
Individuals with bipolar or borderline personalities may sometimes be high conflict, but this is not always the case.
Medication can help control episodes in individuals with these conditions. However, if a person does not take their medication, it can cause significant problems for everyone they encounter.
Restrictive Gatekeepers: A Unique High Conflict Personality
You might be surprised to see gatekeepers in this article, but we consider restrictive gatekeepers more than overprotective parents; they represent a unique personality type in divorce cases.
What is a Restrictive Gatekeeper?
A gatekeeper may be facilitative, protective, or restrictive. Those who are unreasonable and treat children like possessions are known as restrictive gatekeepers.
Restrictive gatekeepers do not facilitate or protect; instead, their actions often rise to the level of emotional abuse and can lead to parental alienation.
Restrictive Gatekeepers: Obsessive and Sometimes Delusional
Our experience shows that restrictive gatekeepers are obsessive, conjuring up scenarios where the other parent is dangerous. The more obsessive and delusional they are, the more restrictive they become.
These individuals often lie to themselves, even in the face of contradictory evidence, and may become fanatical in their beliefs. They are histrionic and often make false allegations of abuse.
Are Restrictive Gatekeepers Always High Conflict?
Restricted gatekeepers often play the victim role. They can be passive, emotional, and sometimes quite convincing.
From the outside, they may appear to be protective and loving parents. However, once you understand what drives them, it becomes clear that their beliefs are based on exaggeration and revisionist history.
Restrictive gatekeepers may start as passive but can become aggressive when their stories fall apart during litigation. Alternatively, they may begin aggressively but become reclusive when their claims are proven false.
Substance Abuse: A Driver of High Conflict Personalities
Addiction must be mentioned when discussing divorcing a high-conflict personality, as it can often drive the conflict.
The primary difference between a high-conflict personality with and without an addiction is the direct cause and effect. If the addict can control their addiction and become sober, the high conflict aspect of their personality may subside.
Top 3 Tips for Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality
Divorcing a high-conflict personality requires strategic planning and emotional control.
These factors can significantly affect both your stress level and financial stability.
If you lose control of your emotions and let the high conflict personality control your decision-making, or if you treat a divorce with a high conflict personality like any other divorce, you may be doomed to failure.
Tip 1: Hire the Right Attorney for the Job
Experience matters. But not just any experience—experience dealing with high conflict personalities.
Unfortunately, many divorce attorneys are not built for litigation. Settlement is ideal, but when facing a high-conflict personality, you need more than a negotiator; you need a skilled litigator.
What Skilled Litigators Do Differently
A skilled litigator will attempt to resolve issues but will not waste time and money on negotiations when it's clear the other side is unreasonable. While everyone prefers an amicable resolution, your lawyer must have the skills for a courtroom if necessary.
High-conflict personalities rarely do the right thing easily. Often, you need to give them something serious to lose to encourage them to cooperate.
Tip 2: Develop a Case-Specific Strategy
It's not enough to hire a lawyer to file a divorce petition and then "wait and see what happens." That strategy might work in an uncontested or low-conflict case, but it's ineffective in a high-conflict situation.
High conflict personalities "gaslight" their spouse.
High-conflict personalities like to "gaslight" their spouse, picking fights and making the spouse feel foolish, uninformed, or unstable. Their goal is to destabilize their spouse emotionally and financially.
Combat Gaslighting with a Plan of Action
To combat this, you and your family law lawyer must develop a clear plan regarding discovery, disclosure, and child custody issues.
This planning creates an initial and a backup plan, ensuring you're not taking a "wait and see" approach. A proactive strategy disarms the high-conflict personality, taking control away from them and providing you with confidence and direction.
Tip 3: Stabilize Your Emotions
Consider therapy. Rarely have we seen a spouse victimized by a high-conflict personality who didn't need some professional counseling. Therapy can help you maintain a healthy mental state, enabling you to make logical decisions.
Remember, your heart is not always your ally in this process—your head is your best friend.
High Conflict Personalities Thrive on Destabilizing You
For example, if your spouse threatens to take your children away and leave you penniless, an emotional reaction might be panic and despair. However, a logical approach would involve breaking down the threat and considering its feasibility.
React Logically, Not Emotionally
A stay-at-home parent or lower-income earner would use common sense to assess the threat, consult their lawyer, and remain calm. This logical approach allows you to see through the threat's hyperbole and prevents it from affecting you negatively.
There's much more we could discuss about dealing with and divorcing a high-conflict personality. Hopefully, this article has given you a solid foundation of knowledge on this topic.
Are You Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality?
Do you need help with your case? We are highly experienced in dealing with high-conflict personalities.
Please contact us for an affordable strategy session to discuss your specific situation. Our family law firm is highly experienced in handling pending and post-judgment divorce and parentage matters.
Read more informative articles on divorcing certain high-conflict individuals. We link to those below.