Don't Let the Other Parent Bad Mouth You. Disparagement is Actionable.

When parents separate, emotions run high. Anger, resentment, and fear are common. But when one parent speaks badly about the other to a child, the damage can be lasting. This is called parental disparagement. It is one of the most common forms of parental alienation.

Parental disparagement is more than hurt feelings. It can harm a child's emotional health.

Disparaging a parent can damage the child's relationship with the disparaged parent. If serious (not isolated) and ongoing, it is a form of serious child abuse.

What Is Parental Disparagement?

Parental disparagement is a form of bad mouthing. It happens when one parent makes negative comments about the other parent to or around the child.

It can be direct.

Direct disparagement means saying harmful things to the child. For example:

"Your dad does not care about you."
"Your mom is crazy."
"Your father left us and this divorce is his fault."

Some malicious parents create false history. They tell the child lies about the other parents, including how the other parent may have abused them, abandoned them, is dangerous or reckless, and much more. Over time, if a child hears many different false stories about the other parent, may children start to believe it. Why? Because children at young ages live in a world that is not ruled by logic and reason. And they are very trusting of those figures in their life whom they consider they caretakers, like parents or grandparents. The lost in the mall technique is a great example of this. Read about it by clicking on the link in the preceding sentence.

Sometimes the Disparagement Goes Beyond the Other Parent

Jealous and bitter ex-spouses often do not just disparage the other parent but also the other parent's new relationships, family or friends. The disparaging parent wants the child to distrust and hate everything and everyone in the other parent's life.

Disparagement can also be indirect

Indirect disparagement happens when a parent speaks badly about the other parent within earshot of the child or says or does things the child can pick up. The comments may not be directed at the child. But they are loud enough for the child to hear. For example:

Complaining to a friend on the phone while the child is in the room.
Rolling eyes or making gestures when the other parent is mentioned.
Leaving documents around for the child to see

Some parents involve others.

Disparagement can also come from grandparents, new partners, aunts, uncles, or close family friends. Sometimes this is encouraged to either double down on the disparagement or be able to claim they (the disparaging parent) did not say anything disparaging.

What Kind of Parent Disparages the Other Parent?

Chronic disparagement of the other parent often reflects deeper emotional instability. A parent who repeatedly attacks the other parent in front of a child is not acting from a place of strength.

This behavior stems from unresolved anger, insecurity, poor impulse control, and an inability to regulate their own emotions. Healthy parents place their child's needs above their own resentment. A parent who cannot do that may be struggling with significant emotional dysfunction.

In many cases, these parents show patterns of extreme insecurity, black and white thinking, and a constant need to control the child's perception of the other parent. Some may suffer from serious, untreated mental health conditions. It is not uncommon to see such parents suffer from depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideations. Others may simply lack emotional maturity but it is often far more than that.

Regardless of the label, the behavior signals serious dysregulation. A parent who feels stable and secure does not need to tear down the other parent to feel validated. The child should never be used as a tool to manage an adult's emotional pain. But a disparaging parent does not care about the child. They care about their malicious goals.

The Impact of Bad Mouthing on the Child

Children identify with both parents and they see themselves as a product of both parents. When a parent disparages the other parent to a child, that parent is causing a child believes is a part of them. Thus, when one parent is attacked, the child often feels attacked too even though they may not express it.

As a result, children may experience:

Anxiety
Guilt
Confusion
Loyalty conflicts
Depression
Anger

Over time, the child may begin to reject the disparaged parent. The child may believe the negative statements or the false stories. The bond can weaken. In some cases, it breaks entirely.

Why Disparagement Must Not Be Ignored

Some parents hope the problem will go away. Others fear raising the issue in court.

Ignoring disparagement is risky and may end your relationship with your child. If a parent allows it to persist for years, it only gets worse and it be irreversible.

Red Flags in a Custody Case

Parents involved in a custody dispute should watch for warning signs such as:

The child starts to refuse contact without clear reasons.
The child uses adult language to criticize the other parent.
If questions are asked about where the child heard the stories they believe, they refuse to state. They may change the subject, claim they do not remember, and sometimes claim a friend told them.
The child repeats specific accusations that mirror the other parent's words. The disparaged parent may listen to what the child says and think, that sounded a lot like the other parent.
The child expresses guilt for enjoying time with the disparaged parent.
The child claims to have chosen sides.

These patterns suggest the child is being influenced. In extreme cases, they can even lead to false allegations of child abuse.

Long Term Effects on the Parent Child Relationship

If a child believes negative statements about a parent, the damage can last into adulthood.

The child may:

Lose trust in the targeted parent.
Feel shame or resentment later when the truth becomes clear, sometimes after they become an adult.
Struggle with identity issues.
Have difficulty forming healthy relationships.
In some cases, repeat the conduct of the disparaging parent if that adult child has their own child and is in an unhappy relationship and wants revenge on the other parent.

Repairing a damaged parent child relationship takes time. In some cases, it never fully heals.

Non Disparagement Clauses in Custody Orders

Most good custody orders include a non disparagement clause. A well drafted clause is clear, specific, and enforceable.

At our family law firm, we have different types of non disparagement clauses including standard clauses, those in mid-conflict cases and those in high conflict cases. A standard clause reads something like this:

Each parent shall refrain from making any disparaging or derogatory remarks about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the minor child. Each parent shall not permit any third party, including but not limited to family members, friends, or romantic partners, to make disparaging or derogatory remarks about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the minor child. Each parent shall take reasonable steps to prevent such conduct and shall promptly correct any such behavior should it occur.

This language addresses both direct and indirect conduct. It also covers third parties.

Enforcing a Non Disparagement Clause

If a parent violates the clause, there are legal remedies.

A parent may file an Order to Show Cause for contempt. Contempt requires proof that:

A valid court order exists.
The other parent knew about the order.
The parent had the ability to comply.
The parent willfully violated the order.

Contempt can result in fines, community service, or even jail time. It can also result in attorney's fees and costs orders.

In serious or repeated cases, the court may modify custody or even take custody away on at least a temporary basis from the disparaging parent.

Why Disparagement Is Hard to Prove

Disparagement often happens in private. There are rarely neutral witnesses.

Children may be reluctant to speak. They may fear upsetting one parent. They may deny what is happening.

Courts are cautious. Judges do not want to overreact to normal conflict. Clear evidence is important.

That is why getting a lawyer involved early is so important. The more the disparaged parent waits, the harder it is to prove it or be able to make changes to custody to protect the child.

Steps to Prove Disparagement

If you believe your child is being exposed to disparagement, take action carefully and lawfully.

• Keep detailed records. Write down dates, times, and specific statements.
• Save texts, emails, and voicemails.
• Preserve social media posts.
• Do not coach your child. Do not pressure them to make statements.
• Consider therapy with a licensed mental health professional. A therapist may identify patterns and provide documentation.
• Speak with an experienced family law attorney early. Experienced and highly knowlegable family law lawyers have specific strategies for situations like this.

Avoid retaliating. Responding with your own disparagement will only hurt your case.

Final Thoughts on Disparagement

Parental disparagement is serious. It harms children. It damages families. You must take it seriously.

If you believe your co parent is undermining your relationship with your child, you do not have to face it alone. We have helped many parents with this identical situation. Contact us for an affordable strategy session.